AUTHOR: Lady Flame ladyflame_uk
SERIES: Buffy the Vampire Slayer – OneShot – Humour/Parody
DISCLAIMER: all BtVS characters mentioned here belong to Joss Weadon, and Mutant Enemy, and are used without permission... this is fanfiction, I'll give them back... eventually!! XD
CHAPTER RATING: Fan Rated Mature
OVERALL RATING: Fan Rated Adults Only
WARNINGS: Parody & Unresolved Sexual Tension
FIRST PUBLISHED: 22 March 2006
AUTHORS NOTE: I was reading ‘The Three Little Pigs’ to my daughter Chibi Flame when I got this evil little plot bunny... the first half is mainly humor, with a bit of UST, and the second half is just pure porn!! Fairytales will never be the same again… :sweatdrop:
I deliberately didn't put any references to time of day/night, cause Spike is still a vampire, but he's playing the part of the Big Bad Wolf, so let's just say that this fic takes place in the twisted twilight of my mind... XD
Thanks go out to Cas (aka) virtualpersonal, who was nice enough to give this part a quick read-through.
Now, are we ready for our ‘bedtime’ story? Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...
Once upon a time, there were three humans who liked to defeat evil creatures, so much so, that everyone nicknamed them ‘The Three Scoobies', since the bad guys always said, “I would have got away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!!”
Now word of our heroes had reached ‘Good Olde Blighty’, and the ears of one of the ‘Scourge of Europe’; a big bad vamp by the name of ‘William the Bloody’, more commonly known as Spike. Now Spike had a reputation of being ‘The Slayer of Slayers’, and he’d heard that one of the Scoobies was indeed the current Slayer, and so he set sail in his trusty DeSoto to visit ‘The New World’, since everyone knows Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac, and Spike was a randy vampire!!
When Spike reached the little hamlet of Sunnydale, where ‘The Three Scoobies’ did reside, he ran over the welcome sign... then he gatecrashed ‘Willie’s Alibi Bar’, and beat poor Willie up for information... what a nasty vampire!!
When he’d got his information, Spike set off to the first Scoobies house...
Now the first Scoobie was a good witch, and lived in a cottage made of thatch, and when Spike knocked on the door, she took one look at him and said, “I don’t care that you’ve got pretty cheekbones, you’re a vampire, and you can’t get in without an invite.” And then she shut the door in Spike’s face.
Now Spike’s feelings were hurt, he was the ‘Big Bad’, he was supposed to be able to charm his way into any home, not have the door shut in his face without him even saying a word... even if she did say he had nice cheekbones!! “Little Red, Little Red, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” But the first Scoobie stayed silent, and the door it remained shut.
Spike looked at the house of straw, then went to his DeSoto, and got an industrial sized leaf blower from out of the boot, (though you Yanks call it a trunk don’t ya). “Last chance, Red!!” yelled Spike, before blowing the cosy cottage into a swirling mass of straw.
“Well that was a bloody brilliant idea, you stupid git!!” Spike said to himself, as his eyes streamed, and he started to cough; and as the dust settled, Spike looked up, wiping tears from his eyes, to see the good red witch flying off on her broomstick. “Bloody Hell!!” he said, and kicked the leaf blower across the settling straw, then he proceeded to jump up and down holding his foot, and swearing in at least five different demon languages… after all it was an industrial sized leaf blower!!
After much cursing, Spike limped off to go to the second Scoobies house, which was just round the corner, to see the red witch land, and jump off her broomstick, rushing up to an attractive dark haired young man, who was chopping wood bare-chested. Spike was momentarily distracted, following a trickle of sweat down that tanned chest with his eyes, until it was absorbed by the waistband of a pair of battered, and low riding jeans; which was enough time for the two to notice him, and rush into the nearby log cabin.
The dark haired carpenter stood cockily in the open door, safe behind the mystical barrier, the little red witch peaking out from behind a broad shoulder, “So bleach boy, you’re the one who’s after kicking our butts, huh?” Spike leered at the boy, and gave him the once-over, “Such a pretty little arse too, but I’m sure I can think of more enjoyable things to do with yours than kicking it.” And Spike licked his lips, and eyed the boy hungrily.
Xander returned the once-over, and grinned, “Well I must admit, you are compact and well muscled, but hasn’t anyone ever told you that whole ‘Billy Idol’ look is so 80’s.” Spike was still spluttering incensed, as he once more faced a closed door, “Oi, I’ll ‘ave you know he stole my look, not the other way around!!” male laughter from inside, was his only reply.
Spike growled, and looked around for something to reek carnage with, he spotted the axe the whelp had been chopping logs with, and then his eyes rested on something even better… “Whelp, Whelp, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” Spike said, in a singsong voice. “I really mean it this time boy!!” he yelled, as he pulled the start cord on the chainsaw he’d found.
Spike was happily carving up the walls of the log cabin, when his attention was drawn to the roof, “What the hell do you think you’re doing to my house, you stupid bleached menace!!” Xander screeched from above, before being hussled onto the back of Willow’s broomstick, which flew off low, dipping and weaving under the weight of two people, their feet brushing the treetops.
Spike leapt to follow the broomstick, leaving the chainsaw still buzzing in the wall of Xander’s house. If he was lucky then maybe the whelp would fall off the broomstick, and then Spike could drain him dry, no better still, turn him, then lick the blood from the fall off his new childe’s body.
But Spike’s hopes were in vain, as he watched the broomstick, and it's riders, crash through the roof of a pretty little brick cottage. A tingling sensation down his spine told him that it was the Slayer’s home, and without stopping, Spike turned round, and ran back to the building site he’d just passed.
Spike leaped up onto the abandoned bulldozer, pulled out a few wires, and quickly hotwired it, then drove it back to the Slayer’s house. “Slayer, Slayer, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” shouted Spike.
Three faces stared out of the window at Spike, “I think the bleach must have seeped into his brains, cause that is one weird vamp!!” said Xander. “Not to worry, I’ll just go out there and deal with him, I am the Slayer after all.” Buffy replied. However, before she got chance, seven very butch dwarves in green jumped out of the bushes, shot lightning at the startled vamp, and dragged Spike’s unconscious body away with them.
”Well, that was strange.” Said Xander. “Do you think we should go after them?” said Willow. “Nah, guys like that always turn up again, like a bad penny.” Said Buffy, “I’m more interested in what we should do about my roof, there’s a great big hole where you two crashed through.” “Yeah, and Willow’s house is totally destroyed, and mine is falling apart…” replied Xander.
Willow clapped her hands with glee, “I’ve got a great idea, why don’t we pool our resources, make this cottage bigger, and all live together like one big happy family!!” “That’s a great idea,” replied Buffy, “you can have a nice loft apartment, I’ll have the ground floor, and Xander can have the basement.” “Hey, how come I get to live in the basement.” Xander complained. “Well, Willow needs to see the stars for her whole Wicca thing… and this is my house.”
Time passed, as time does, the renovations were completed, and the three friends were now living happily together. Then one evening whilst they were having a pizza, popcorn and movie night, there came a knock at the door. When they answered the door, they were confronted by none other than Spike, but a Spike quite unlike how they remembered him. This Spike looked quite ill, he was gaunt, and you could see his ribs through his t-shirt, plus there were dark circles beneath his eyes, and he was shivering...