PAIRING: Spike/Xander (Pre-slash)
NOTE: Like Xan I get bored sat on checkouts during a late night, or early morning shift, or even just a quiet spot during the day, and there's not always someone to chat with, as in large stores they tend to spread us out (and my store has 28 checkouts), and you get dirty looks if you try and have a shouted conversation *lol* so the name game is one of those things that I do to pass the time. All the items are real, and available for sale in the UK.
This has been sat in my head forever, and I'm finally writing it for spring_with_xan, this is especially dedicated to reremouse as I over-reacted over a misunderstanding, after a particularly bloody awful day at work... I normally like my job, and I'm usually a friendly people person, even when I'm in pain from my condition, but sometimes people just suck major arse!!
Xander had been stuck on the checkouts all evening. A job he hated, but had been stuck with since one of the usual girls was off sick, and it had been a slow night, with few customers, and Xander had been BORED!! As a result Xander had been reduced to playing the Name Game, one of those silly made up games you do when you're bored, like 'I Spy', or counting different coloured cars on a long journey. The idea was that you took the names of products and matched them to the names of people you knew, or characters in a movie, etc, and Xander had managed an almost perfect score with his shopping tonight, which was why Xander was going straight from work to a Scooby meeting at Giles place, he knew he could make the gang laugh at his silly game.
Giles gave Xander a wan smile as he opened the door and ushered him inside, and seeing Spike on one side of the room, Buffy and Riley on the other, with Willow and Tara looking uncomfortable in between, and Anya perched on the end of the sofa looking bored, Xander got the impression that much glasses cleaning had already been done that night. Perfect time for a mood breaker. "So guys, want to know what's in the bag?!" Disinterested stares met him from all directions, except Anya who perked up slightly and said, "Gifts?!" Xander patted Anya's hand and explained, "No dear, I've been playing the Name Game at work, and I came out with an almost perfect score matching you guys with my shopping."
Willow bless her, fell into the game with an eagerness to break the tension, that led Xander to believe that she had had the misfortune to be stuck in the middle of an escalating battle of words, between Buffy and their resident snarky vampire. Xander pulled the first item out of the bag, "Look, 'Harris Paint Tray and Rollers' for me, cause I'm going to see if a coat of whitewash won't brighten up my basement residence." Spike gave a snort of disbelief, but surprisingly stayed silent of snark, and just raised an eyebrow in that annoying way he had, when Xander stared at him for a moment.
Xander reached into the bag and pulled out the second item, "'Willow Butter' for Willow of course, and 'White Witch Ale' for Tara, cause that's Spike's nickname for her." Spike reached over for the brown glass bottle, "That one wants to come over here then, cause a good English real ale like that is wasted on a whelp like you." Xander smacked Spike's hand before he could snatch the bottle away, "Mine!! That's my treat after I get done decorating." Spike sprawled back into his chair, one hand rubbing his thigh in a way that brought attention to the fact that Spike went commando beneath those very tight jeans, "Bet I could find you a better treat than a 'cold one', might even give you a 'hand' and share the treat."
Xander gave a slight shiver, and hoped like hell that his reaction to Spike's double entendres went unnoticed, and yes he did know what the words meant, unlike Buffy he did remember some useful French words, like menage-a-tois, and by god he was not going to go down that mental route before he got a picture... gah, a Xander filling in a blond sandwich, and Xander had a horrible feeling that the female in the picture wasn't Anya. However, since Xander was so lost in his little fantasy, he totally missed Anya's glare of death at the back of his head, which then clashed with a cool blue gaze, which smirked back at her fueling her fury further.
Xander coughed, and pulled out the fourth and fifth items on his shopping list, "'Giles Garlic Chiabata Bites' for the G-man, and 'Summer Fruit Pudding' for Buffy Summers". Spike sneered at Buffy, "Always knew you were a bit of a pudding, Slayer." Buffy did a fair impression of a snarl, "I'm not fat, Spike... and if you're not careful I'll shove those balls down your throat!!" Spike leered at Buffy, "You must tuck those balls of yours up real tight, so they don't show when you do all those high kicks you're so fond of Slayer. But I actually meant that I thought you were stupid, which you just proved, cause otherwise you'd know that garlic just wards off vampires, doesn't kill, we just don't like the smell."
It looked like Spike and Buffy were about to escalate into another of their bitch fights, and Xander stepped between them, "Now come on guys, I've still got three items left in the game." Surprisingly Giles backed him up, "Indeed, this is getting rather like a soap opera with all this posturing, and it's giving me a headache." Giles removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, he had a feeling that even without Spike and Buffy butting heads, this evening was doomed to failure. Unlike Xander, Giles was quite aware of the animosity between Spike and Anya, and the reason behind it, to which Xander was seemingly happily oblivious. The boy really was a demon magnet, with a chipped ex-master vampire, and a powerless ex-vengence demon, fighting over which one of them would have dominion over the boy.
As the two combatants sat back in their seats, Xander pulled out a package of sausages, and placed them in front of Riley, "'Riley's Manchester Sausage'" Spike snorted with laughter, "I thought most things from Manchester were the bees knees, but those things just look all limp and thin, and I like my sausage to have more substance, thick and juicy." Spike flashed a hot look at Xander's crotch, which didn't go unnoticed by either Anya or Giles. However, Xander didn't give either Riley or Buffy chance to reply, pulling out the last two items out of his bag.
Xander placed the last two items carefully in front of their namesakes, "'Anya Potatoes' and 'Blush William Pears', I got the reddest ones they had, it was the closest I could get to William the Bloody." Spike poked a hole in the bag of pears, pulled one out and polished it on his shirt, and looking directly into Xander's eyes, Spike said "Like a nice pear I do, firm, juicy and sweet." Giles was surprised when Anya didn't react, even Xander had blushed and shifted uncomfortably at that one, then suddenly Buffy burst out laughing. "Oh, Oh my god, Blush Williams... oh yeah, I'll bet he did a lot of blushing in his time. Tell me Xan, you got a book of poetry in there."
Xander just looked confused, as Buffy gasped for breath, she was laughing so hard, "Did he tell you how he really got his name... William the Bloody Awful..." Buffy never did get to finish what she she was saying, as Anya chose that moment to snap. "THIS is what you think of me!! THIS is what reminds you of me!! Small, thin and lumpy!! Covered in dirt, and UGLY!!" Xander had turned to his girlfriend confused, only to be slapped in the face, like getting whapped by one of those revolving doors in the old Marx Brothers movies. "I'm leaving, I don't know why I stayed, you don't appreciate me, you don't give me gifts, or take me to expensive restaurants, I'm going back to LA, at least the men there wear decent clothes, and don't live in their parents musty old basement!!"
Xander just sat there in shock, holding his cheek as everyone put all his stuff back in his bags, even worried Willow voice not sinking in really. Giles finally got Willow and Tara, Buffy and Riley, out of his house with the reassurances that he would make sure that Xander got home safe, then he turned to Spike, "This is your fault Spike, you owe him, and I expect you to look after him right, starting now... you can take him home, and let him cry on your shoulder, and be as much of the gentleman that I know you used to be."
So Spike took Xander home, plied him with the bottle of strong English ale until Xander did indeed cry on his shoulder, then he reassured him that he wasn't a bad rude man, that was his job, and that maybe Anya was a selfish greedy bitch, who hadn't really respected Xander after all. As Xander was seeing Spike out, Spike reached out and pulled Xander into a hug, no kiss, even though he longed to taste those lips, as he'd promised Giles he would be a gentleman, even if it was only for tonight. "Tell you what whelp, if you buy a few more of those beers, then I'll come over and help you with your decorating, after all we can't have you falling off a chair trying to do the ceiling, and cracking that pretty skull of yours."
Xander smiled, perhaps one of the sweetest smiles that Spike had ever seen in his one and a half centuries, and it warmed his cold heart and gave him hope, "Thanks Spike, you're a great friend, I'll see you tomorrow." and then Xander hugged him, and Spike could have sworn that his dead heart beat just once at the sensation.
As he walked back to his crypt, Spike pulled the pear he'd taken earlier out of his pocket, and as he bit into it he thought that it was as sweet, firm and juicy as he knew his boy would be. It was customary for a gentleman to bring a bottle of something as a gift, and he had a nice bottle of Jack he'd like to share with the boy. Unlife was good, the demon bitch was gone, and he had a boy to woo, and with a spring in his step, and a twinkle in his eye, Spike disappeared into the shadows of a cool autumn night.